Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
