i jhust puked up my retainher.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
