Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
