I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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