i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
