I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
