The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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