My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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