I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
