im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
