Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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