Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
