I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
