Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
