Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
