why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
