Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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