I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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