I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
