Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize