i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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