i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
