Duck Duck Cougar?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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