We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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