From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
