I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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