I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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