Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
