At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
