I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
