I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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