I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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