I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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