Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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