what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
