I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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