I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
