Life is so much better after having sex.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
