my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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