I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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