I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
