a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
