My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm passing your future prison.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
