we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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