none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
