Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
