my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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