You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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