If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
