The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He kissed a someone with a penis
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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