fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
