"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
this boner is exhausting
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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