Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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