She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I woke up under a house in Key West
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
