yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize