the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
