I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize